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Matthew

How We Shower

HOW MEN AND WOMEN SHOWER DIFFERENTLY . . .

How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

Angry Woman Accused Of Setting Walgreens On Fire

ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. -- A dispute over spare change may have inspired a woman to set a Walgreens store on fire and she did the deed using a lit cigarette.

Home Depot CEO Gets $210M Severance for Sucking at Job

(www.nytimes.com)

Robert L. Nardelli, the CEO of Home Depot, who came under heavy criticism for his pay package and failure to lift the chain ’s stagnant stock price, has abruptly resigned. He will receive about $210 million in compensation from the company, including the current value of retirement and other benefits. Who would blame him for quitting?

Contemporary Jewish political trivia!

Which sitting US Senator had the most Jewish grandparents?
a. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D, California)
b. Senator George Allen (R, Virginia)
c. Senator Hillary Clinton (D, New York)

a - Of the three, only Senator Feinstein is Jewish and she wins with 3 Jewish grandparents (although not her mother's mother), Senator Allen had 2 (his mother's parents) and Senator Clinton had a Jewish step-grandfather.

2. The late Israel Goldfarb was the father-in-law of:
a. Senator Russ Feingold (D, Wisconsin)
b. Senator Arlen Specter (R, Pennsylvania)
c. Senator Harry Reid (D, Nevada - Incoming Majority Leader)

c - Incoming Majority Leader Reid's father-in-law was a Jewish immigrant
from the Ukraine named Israel Goldfarb, who came to America early in the
20th century. Most of his family perished in the Holocaust. Senator Reid
and his wife are practicing Mormons. Senator Specter, a practicing Jew,
late father-in-law was Jewish. Senator Feingold has had a Jewish father-in-law and a non-Jewish one and currently is father-in-law-less.

3. Which Member of Congress has the most Jewish grandchildren?
a. Representative Steve Israel (D, New York)
b. Representative Nancy Pelosi (D, California - Speaker of the House-elect)
c. Representative Eric Cantor (R, Virginia)

Congressmen Israel and Cantor are Jewish, but not yet grandparents.

The current Holy Book controversy in Washington stems from
a. The first Muslim elected to Congress wanting to take the oath on the Koran
b. Jews wanting to be able to take the oath with a Torah
c. Christians insisting on being sworn in with the New Testament

Incoming Congressman Keith Ellison, a practicing Muslim, plans to take the Oath of Office in January holding the Koran. Jews and Christians have been taking the oath holding their holy scriptures since the founding of the republic.

The current US Jewish population is hovering around 2% of America's 300,000,000 people. Which of the following is true?
a. The Supreme Court is more than 20% Jewish - the largest number of Jews in history.
b. The new US Senate will be 13% Jewish - the largest number of Jews in history.
c. The new US House will be 8% Jewish - the largest number of Jews in history.
d. All of the above

d- all of the above! We should kvell!!

I guess another miracle of modern American Jewish life if that the Chairman of the Republican National Committee is a practicing Jew, Ken Mehlman, who celebrated becoming Bar Mitzvah at age 13. The Chair of the Democratic National Committee is Howard Dean, a practicing Christian, whose Jewish son celebrated becoming Bar Mitzvah at age 13

Study: 2 of 5 bosses don't keep word

For most people, it's back to work Tuesday after a holiday weekend with family and friends. And for many, a new study shows, it will be under a bad boss. Nearly two of five bosses don't keep their word and more than a fourth bad mouth those they supervise to co-workers, the Florida State University study shows.

By BRENT KALLESTAD, Associated Press Writer

The Pearly Gates

So Gerald Ford, James Brown, and Saddam Hussein arrive together at the Pearly Gates,
James Brown dances his way in.

Ford addresses St Peter and says"I Pardoned Nixon" and St Peter says "Anybody with that much forgiveness should be in heaven".

Saddam is left hanging there for Eternity.

Happy New Year

And a healthy one too!